this is the end. my lonely friend, the end.
its hard to say this.
i have been thinking about it for a while. not on a constant, but every time its brought up...i can see it. and it doesnt seem so bad.
i dont care. i have very little ambition. i really dont care where i "end up", so long as i can get what i want.
watching all these little tv shows-like intervention and the new dj am show...theyre supposed to be helpful. inspirational.
the only inspiration they give me is to get fucked up. and more recently to get some heroin.
i know its not fun. its not pretty. its not easy.
but when youre fucked up...it doesnt matter. the high matters. i understand that much.
i want that high. ive had it. it was beautiful. and i think heroin could be even better than what i had.
its sick. its the addict in me. not only that..its the adventurer in me. but i cant stop it.
its that i know how good i felt and nothing has ever felt that good.
i doubt that any way i could feel in sober life-be it love or accomplishment or any other success that sobers feel...its not the same. i dont know. i dont know.
maybe its simply an easy way out-which ive always been a huge fan of. but i think im okay with an easy way out. thats what i need curing of. but im not yet willing to succumb. not there. not yet.
i just read that in england heroin addicts who cant shake the habit are helped by being fed free heroin. i want that! its so bad.
i know that for at least until may i will be drug free. part of me hopes i can be "cured" of this to-the-bone-want by then. but the rest of me wont allow that need to be ever brought to any surface. i know i will skim through the rest of this program until im "free".
once im "free' i will willingly throw myself deeper into these shackles of addiction than i know how to get out.
im scared. im excited. i a little bit want to get fucked up til i od.
but ive still got 6 months of groups and self-work. so, i guess well see..but tv is not helping. watching people get high is not helping.
i dont know.