this diary may have to be closed forever
its over for me.
im an alcoholic.
so, i cant drink anymore. something terrible will happen if i do.
i dont know when enough is enough. and even in the off chance i do, its still too late.
monday night matt and i went to coyote. i saw a girl i knew a little in high school and she told me she works at revolution and starting line was playing that night. so, matt and i decided to go. and get shitfaced before going.
shitfaced we got.
i hardly remeber the show. i recall having an inner hatred for some 16 year old in front of me. and pushing her on purpose for existing.
at some point i lost my purse. at some later point i realized i lost my purse and then i lost my mind. i started crying. and i think matt was trying to help me and i got mad at him and stormed out of the club. he followed me trying to figure out what was wrong.
youd have thought we were having a lovers quarrel the way i was practically running away from him crying. eventually he stopped following me because i wasnt listening to him. and i sat down and cried in an alley.
somehow i took a cab home. and when i got home i went straight to the kitchen. for what? you ask...
to pee.
its the dumbest thing i think ive ever done. in the morning i had to clean my piss off the kitchen floor.
i dont remember the peeing, but my brother is a witness and the mess is evidence.
i dont remember much else about the night.
but, how much further do i really have to push my luck?
my purse was found. apparently id been talking to this guy outside revolution. and later that night he found my purse. luckily he worked there. id been rambling about where i work so he called me at work the next day. how lucky is that?! really. nothing was missing and i got everything back.
seriously, something bad could happen to me. i can see myself becoming emotionally controlled and wanting to fight someone. picking the wrong person. and doing something stupid-or having something stupid done to me. i could meet a guy and judge him and myself wrong and go home with him. again. but this time, its the wrong guy. i could decide i can drive. and do something crazy. an innumerable amount of things could go wrong on a too drunk night.
not too mention my tolerance is waaay too high. the other night i drank a bottle of wine in like half an hour and wasnt drunk at all. thats gotta be doing some bad shit to my body.
fuck!
so what do i do? i have to just stop drinking. really, its my only option. maybe one day i can have another drink. or even go out and party. but, not any time soon. not ANY time soon.
why cant i enjoy anything in moderation? why do i have to take everything too far and then leave myself completely unable to enjoy it ever again?
roxies and oxys. after smoking them so much, the smell and taste make me nauseous. coke. ha. forget about it. coricidin-nauseous. tanning-my entire body is peeling like a dumb snake and im sporting an all new skin face.
everything fun is off limits to me. whats next? going to the movies? breathing?
i have to excercise some restraint. and just live a boring vice-free life. except cigarettes. but, we all know where those lead.
i blame my family for being all addictive idiots. they ruined it for me.