mary was a little lame
i dont know whats wrong with me.
but, then again, i never really do.
lately, instead of coke...its been drinking and pills.
sick..
my drinking is my new addiction. i hate it. and i really am working on it because i was able to admit it much quicker than cigarettes or cocaine.
but, i drink to the point where i dont feel the alcohol-then keep drinking. theres no throwing up anymore (well, more about that later). i black out and people tell me stories of me peeing in the street. and so many times, i was just unable to help it. unable to realize how drunk i was. unable to not take the next free (or $10) drink i got. but, i realize it. its just now a matter of slowing down when i drink. but i dont know how. its never enough. and when enough arrives, i cant really feel it.
the pills. they are more readily available than coke. so, i take them to forget i cant get coke. thats the only thing that makes me vomit. roxies. ew. its so projectile! i dont know why i take pills.
yes, i do. theyre there. and free or next to free for me. how can i say no on a friday night? i cant. but, as i realized...its soo easy for me to become dependent on anything. lifestyles. substances. people. in the moment, there is no reason to say no. when i wake up and learn what ive done...it really wasnt worth it.
how do i stop? thats what i want to know. i really am consiously trying to stop/slow down. i am. i fucking swear i am. im not late for work. nor, do i miss any days. thats good. but, on my days off...theres little to no slowing down. but, im trying.
what a lame excuse. i know.