where is my mind
it doesnt stop. for all my whining and bitching about how much i hate the stupid decisions i make it doesnt stop.
thursday: coke, smoke
friday: coke, tcs, smoke
saturday: smoke
sunday: smoke, tcs
monday: smoke, coke, drink
tuesday: drink, smoke, coke
its crazy. i only paid for thursdays round of anything. i guess that makes me feel a little better. but its not slowing down. its just getting harder.
i dont like doing it around my friends. i dont like them to see how i get when i want coke. not that its that bad-i think its more i dont like the feeling of desperation when im around them. i shouldnt feel that way in a happy, fun environment. it sucks.
im too scared to stop. im-despite all my whinings in here-still having fun and not ready/willing to stop.
i do need help but im not ready to take the steps to help myself. so, i keep pushing it. until one day (maybe soon?) im going to fucking break.