i hate me so much right now
Tuesday, Oct. 03, 2006 + 9:52 a.m.

its getting scary again.

and im getting scared.

i want it until i get it. and then i want it more.

it makes me such a horrible person. with only one thing on the brain.

i dont consider others, i dont consider money! i dont consider tomorrow. all that matters is that i get it now.

we had 4 different peoples coke yesterday. i think the most different cokes ive had in a day.

but it wasnt enough. the quantities were small and the qualities-except the last one-were not the best. by the time coke #4 arrived, it was hard to taste or feel anything.

i hated that i was sharing it. i hate hating sharing. especially considering i didnt put anything in yesterday (i had nothing to put in, im overdrawn and broke until the 13th). its sick.

what am i to do? im not ready-emotionally, mentally, financially-to go to college in january. but what the fuck do i do then? stay here and keep fucking up? get deeper? can i get deeper? keep doing drugs and not paying rent? how far does this have to go?

im already contemplating suicide. other times i have its fallen from my mind quickly, because its not real. but lately, when i think of it, the tears rush forth to my eyes. im really thinking about it. i dont know how seriously and its such a bs way. and so stupid. but, at times-when im feeling the lowest-it seems like the only escape from the fucking prison ive created. what else can i do?

im not stopping. i cant afford to keep going.

i feel like i started out back here in florida last year in a really really big room. every month since then, the walls close in so much. at first it was tolerable. even as the walls have gotten closer, ive been able to distract myself from the impending doom of being smushed. but now, i can barely lay down, breathe. im alone in this really tight room. theres no doors, windows. hands. nothing. just me and the walls.

I only get sleepless nights

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