time
it runs my soul
deep into the earth
the pure white light
is the devil in disguise
this spiral into death first sucked me in a little over a year ago. ive been going so fast. my whole life is a game to me. lets see now how long i can go without _________ (insert bad habit) for. and once im sick of denying myself, i binge. i wholeheartedly believe that my sanity cannot withstand the next month if my lifestyle remains the same. i am losing it and im sacred? i feel like, if i dont guess some magic password or find some hidden key really fucking soon then thats it. i lose. im fighting a clock. a fast one. i just it-soon-done. BOILING POINT. dead scared.
my priorities are nuts right now. im letting thoughts of victor and drugs run me. how did i have the balls to quit my job? to quit! i wasnt fired. not even close! its like i am begging for rock bottom. i dont do drugs for fun anymore. its definitely just become a habitual pasttime. BAD IN SOO MANY WAYS!
dependency
fear
loathing
shame
dirty
dying
NERVOUS FUCKING BREAKDOWN!
I wrote this entry and that poem on and around (disrepectively) june 9, 2006 in a little comp book.
wow. 6 years. was so different. i think its a little funny that i thought id pushed myself into rock bottom. 4 days later i got the job at convergys, and cared even more about coke and getting fucked up. and id not even been a drinker, arrested, into duster or any of that yet. i was only a year back from santa fe. i had no idea, in a couple ways.
i had no idea then that what i was going thru/putting myself thru was just the tip of the iceberg. and re-reading that after years of not, i had no idea, in my memory of that time, how miserable it supposedly made me. like, when i think back to then, it was the time of my life. ha. funny how our memories become either rose-tinted or gray-tinted...