i must feed my head
i cant stand to stay sober.
not even for a day.
it doesnt matter what the medium is...as long as there is one.
yesterday-thursday?-i did. but thats only because i went to bed around 5am and each time i woke up during the day i still felt mest from the day before. and i didnt actually rise to greet the day til 6pm. and i scoured all possible options of exterminating the creeping, sly sobriety.
i took an energy pill this morning. but, it made me too awake. when i got to sheilas at 12 i spent 2 hours trying to get high and slow my heart rate. once i used up enough of their weed i started drinking. and thats where i am now.
trying to get as drunk as possible before i have to go home-where i have nothing. well, some piss weed. but that just makes me hungry and lazy.
what is this? this perpetual need? its a need. a necessity-to be fucked up. to some degree. but why?
its because, i think, its my current state of normalcy. i dont know how to go a day or days without an intoxicant.
always in the back of my mind im plotting how to get to a big lots or walgreens to steal duster.
it never happens. but, the wheels in my head stay in that motion. i cant stop it. i dont want to.
what fun is this life when youre aware? its no good being aware of how shitty your life is. when you can feel, when all you feel is pain.
a strange anomaly. everything is so fucked up because i cant stay straight. and i refuse to stay straight because everything is so fucked up.
i plan my days now around what i can do, where i can go, and who i can hang out with to get high or drunk or anything.
like this coming monday i have to make sure i arrange my day so i can be downtown by 6 with at least a five spot so i can let some old offerdahls customers get me drunk.
and on wednesday (christmas eve) i have a plasma appointment. all i can think about is how many roxys i can get with the $20 i earn. or what else i can do with that money to feed the drugzilla inside me.
sure. its sick. but the real sick part is that i really dont care how sick it is. (somebody please label me. fix me!)
nothing really matters: the bills, christmas, food.
well, tomorrow kinda matters. like, what can i do to have an amazing new years eve?
i cant be fixed. i have to want to for that to happen. and i dont. im not even close.