rehab is for quitters
its not that im not strong enough.
its that i dont care enough.
its that im not ready. its not my time.
i dont know if cameo is really ready either. to stop.
i dont know if she can admit to herself that to stop now is to stop for life. or it should be.
she relapsed the other day. sunday. she says no one could have stopped her. so, i didnt try that hard. she wanted to do drugs. how hard should i have fought her?
it was a miserable night. i was nauseous and threw up. she had a migraine. it wasnt worth it and i hope she knows it.
but, i dont feel a need to commit to na. i can do it on my own. i always have. in the middle of coke binges and a hardcore addiction i stopped. it was only for 30 days. but i hit the brakes and stopped. so, if i want to take a pill now and then i dont need the guilt associated with promising not to.
its a scary prospect: no drugs. no vices. then what? i dont think i could really make exercise a vice.
i want coke. i always do. but then i remember:
i have no money
i have nowhere good to get it
so, that helps me not have it. but i dont want help to not have it. i want help to have it.
i think im done with na.