sitting on the bench like bookends
im feeling good.
maybe not good. but better.
but im scared. i replaced coke with drinking. drinking is almost an addiction. its kinda creepy. blackouts are happening more and more. not like i pass out or anything, but i dont remember anything that happened in a certain stretch of time. its disturbing, really.
the drinking. i get upset on nights when i cant go out and get drunk. i get miserable. and just want to cry. ill say to myself im upset because of other things. lots of self-pity. but, its because i want to drink and cant. and i want to drink because i want coke and i cant.
i dont think about the white stuff so much anymore. most people have stopped with it. and the ones who havent i dont even have a relationship with anymore. i guess thats good. i want it less when no ones talking about it. but, i dont love coke because everyone else does. i love it because it loves me. we love each other. and i cant have it. its okay. im dealing. like ive dealt with hector.
the biggest reason i cant have it is money. the last 3 months or more its been because of money. well, next friday i get my first paycheck. im scared. i am pretty sure i wont go buying a ball or even any. but i kno i want to. i know that thats what im used to doing when i get paid. but, like i told sublime, im okay. im going to do well. be an adult. its just hard.
harder still because im gaining weight working at offerdahls. its gross. im trying to think of the last time i gained like this...the freshman 15. before my coke days. since then, while ive hated my body, its been livable. sexy in its own ways..not for much longer. but, now i dont know what im going to do. the average person would say: excercise. i cant do that. i wont. i will make excuses until you get off my back.
i dont have space.
i dont have time.
i dont have energy.
i have depression.
im full of them. excuses. id much rather do coke.
i mean. i doubt i will start up again. i really do. i wouldnt even know where to get it from these days. honestly. i dont wanna deal with matt. im not gonna get coke from billy-i want nothing to do with owen. leah owes e money and he threatened to kill her. so, i dont wanna deal with that drama.
but. the only reason ive stopped is cuz i had to. not because i wanted to. its further from my mind nowadays than it has been in over 2 years. i dont know. a habits a habit. hard to break. an addiction is even harder. but im dealing. have been. i couldve whored myself off and took up crack if it were that bad. if i were that bad. but im not.
its kinda like missing an old friend. maybe if i were to do it it wouldnt even be the same. i have to stop talking about this now.