admission and admonition
hi. my name is jordan. im an addict.
thats how it goes. an immediate distinction. no doubt. no grey matter. straight fact.
i dont deny the title. ive earned it. certain versions of me, with pride, others, with shame....
but i am an addict. and forever will be.
its a little funny. yesterday my mom tried to convince me to admit i am an alcoholic. but no sooner than the words were on the tip of her tongue..were the words of acknowledgement and agreement on the tip of mine.
i no longer doubt, deny, avoid the fact.
and even when i say no longer....ive not denied the fact for years now. im sure ive even written of it. i am an addict. i am a drug addict and an alcoholic.
i dont spend my days and nights searching for ways to be fucked up...anymore.
i either have it (beer or weed mostly these days) or i dont.
i dont go searching for anything-or feening if i dont get it-but that want exists in me. forever. if i want coke and dont get it..doenst make me Not an addict. nor does it mean ive even tried. i want cocaine all day every day. but i never attempt to obtain it. nor do i inquire. but i never stop wanting.
idk why im writing.
i guess..i want to say..my name is jordan. and i am an addict.
the words once brought me to tears. the admission. but its been so long that its now just fact. it doesnt bother me. because while i may constantly yearn for a taste of the otherworldly...i dont ignore, deny, or fight against normalcy...well...maybe i do fight because any chance i get i buy alcohol. hencetherefore negating the entirety of my previous statement.
i am happy. with my use. in my 12 years of using drugs, this is the most in control/least using that ive ever been. i wouldnt call it control. thatd give me too much credit. i havent had the funds. now that im working a full time job, we shall see how i allocate my money. but i havent used or sought anything besides weed or a 4pack. for that i am happy...i almost said proud...but proud would indicate that any of it was done on purpose when its more circumstance. but im glad for the lack of access to other things...
idk what this entry is for. just to say im kind of on the straight and narrow...but its not necessarily because i want to be...