vice, vice, baby
Friday, Jul. 15, 2011 + 2:04 p.m.

holy shit. im like a prophet. an incorrect one like most, but a prophet nonetheless...

two entries ago-over a year ag-i predicted that this, you drugzilla, would become irrelevant. it saddened me to say. and i still remember feeling like hoping it wouldnt be true.

and here we are two entries and over one year later.

you are not irrelevant. ive just gotten to this crazy peak of laziness where even logging in and typing "hi" feels like a chore. workin on it though. (see: this entry)

life living at shannons last summer and fall was rollercoaster and drugs and drinking. i spent every weekend for a month and a half taking rolls. it was a beautiful, magical time. we got them in every color of the rainbow. and were delighted that they were all equally potent. after the rolls slowed i allowed myself to dabble in some of my roommates indulgences.

i made deals for blues. bartered, borrowed, drooled, blew money..it was a regular. as was taking a quarter to half a bar every night at the end of my shift at the porn store so i could be semi-fucked up by the time i got home at 930 every night. we did coke for weeks straight. every night making trips to miami for it.

then it all came crashing down one night. bars and vodka. boo. mistakes were made. friendships halted. friendships that will never recover.

my drug use then stopped. besides smoking a little. but i was cut off from my sources in my house. but the corner store never stopped me from drinking.

anyways..now i live alone. ive only done blues twice since i lived with shannon. and i dont intend to do them again. too expensive. and not the same.

coke happens on occassion. a little more lately..i met a boy. he rages and has raged harder than i or any of my friends ever have. and he likes the coke. we did some on 4th of july weekend in miami beach at the carlton hotel with a bunch of strangers in the bathroom. that was interesting. and now he owes me 60$ that hes gonna pay me back in coke. i look forward to that.

ill always love the cocaine. even if i know its not right. and that i shouldnt. and that i have to sleep. and that i cant afford it..ill always love it. so much so that it makes me think about my last relationship differently.

now that matts serving, could i be with him? hed be in coke and money. would that make me love him? idk. but itd make me able to stick around a little easier..and thats sick. but thats how much i love the drugs...

i have to fight not to give in to that side of myself. fight hard. every day i want to ask him if he wants to hang out. hoping he says yes and hoping hes holding a little something extra...

anyways..youre not irrelevant, love.

i still smoke. drink. see triple. the latter very occasionally...thrice since december. but twice in the last 6 weeks.

but i still LIVE!!! and i need my vices. and i like my vices. are they vices if i like them not necessarily need them? is there any way to actually ever tell the difference?

I only get sleepless nights

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