monster mash
ive created a monster.
no.
society has created a monster.
no.
my family has created a monster.
a drunkdrugzilla. and it cant be stopped.
i wont let it. i dont want it to.
who the fuck ever said monsters were bad?? thats dumb. and a little close-minded.
i do dumb things. i can be dumb sometimes.
when i drink i cant stop. but i never want to stop. but in the morning (or afternoon) when i wake up i dont really like that confused feeling of not knowing when i went to sleep, how i got home, if i kissed a stranger, if i kissed a friend, or if i had sex.
i hate being surprised at stories people tell me. stories of things that happened only a matter of hours before-not years. i cant remember anything and i look like a jerk for it.
but when im there...i am there. i can remember that much. i play off my drunkeness pretty well. i feel.
this is weighing on me right now. and i cant tell a soul. so, ill tell my future self..
last night tremayne and i had sex. again. its bad enough it was with him in my living room. and its bad enough that after the last drunken debacle i swore itd never happen again. but hed already made it clear that he is starting to like leah. and i think that feeling is mutual. and today they talked more and made plans for tomorrow. and i feel like a dick.
i fucked a guy that my friend is into. the fact that she can even be into someone so soon after just having her heart broken by her first girlfriend is a miracle and that he likes her too...ugh.
im not too mad at myself or anything...i just dont like keeping things secret. but this is one that i must keep. i have very, very few secret secrets. but this is one.
but like i said up there-when im drunk..i dont think i act terribly drunk. and its kind of proven based on last night.
apparently right before he stuck it inside me i told him he shouldnt have sex with me if he likes leah. and i meant it. (sex with him is always kind of forced upon me and because im drunk id rather just do it than fight. is that sad to you? not to me. i dont care. i remember so little anyway.) he told me today that what i said really bothered him but i had no idea what i couldve said. so, even in all my goneness...im still pretty there.
idk.
i want to shoot up. i want to smoke. i want a pill. i want a line...no..i dont really want a line. which is strange! but its true. id rather shoot. and i cant. its hard. its getting harder. one'd think itd have gotten easier after 6 or 7 months...nope.
so, i drink.
im happy when i drink.
the world is happy with me.
its all good.
this monster will not go down without a fight.