dont pray for me unless youre praying to me
Saturday, Nov. 21, 2009 + 12:22 a.m.

i dont lie to myself. so, why i think itd be okay to lie here perplexes me-as i write here only for my self and future self to reflect...

i am an alcoholic now. no matter what color or how many colors i choose to use to paint with the subject remains.

its scary. im scared. but, in order to carry on this current addiction i cannot let anyone else in on this fear.

i have fun. a lot of fun. i am uninhibited. happy. carefree. fun. and if i put a vocal name-voice-to this its not going to be as fun. my "friends" will work harder to take heed when they drink with me. theyll try to get me not to drink. i think its something im not prepared to handle yet.

i say yet because i see a progression. or should i say digression. degression. not sure.

whats fun for me isnt necessarily for those around me. and its hard. ive got issues. i know. i dont deny that much.

i wish i didnt need to drink. i wish i could go out and have a drink or two or none and have fun. i cant.

i thought i finally leaned how to have fun without drugs when really i just replaced drugs with drunk.

but im not ready. no one but me can make me. but i think its a start when im ashamed of myself and secretly drinking. a very big start.

but the start to a very long road.

i dont know who i am. i have no clue. and everything i put into my body keeps me that much further from figuring it out.

i do know that in my life id like to be able to use (not abuse) substances. but, right now, when theres nothing else in my life (as a result of or in spite of use) its not going to end well.

but im not going to stop. refer to old entries to understand my resistance to abstinence. though. in due time, nothing gold stays.

I only get sleepless nights

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