relapse and a collapse
Friday, Jul. 10, 2009 + 2:38 p.m.

i fucked up yesterday. and it could have been a fatal mistake. inside my head a mini-me is banging her mini-head against my brain walls.

i had my moms car and got duster. for the first time since i was arrested (i found the end of a can under the desk before, but i wasnt searching for it).

the very first hit inside big lots a horrible feeling of being watched washed over. this kind gives me the bad taste of trouble every time. so, i put it in my purse and did 3 hits a few minutes later at the bank. it was a mix of warmth, nostalgia, and paranoia.

as i walked to throw it away i swear i heard voices behind me in the direction of the car calling to me or the guy 20 ft. ahead of me. telling one of us to "come here!" "stop!"

how could i have been hallucinating after so few hits?? the parking lot was empty besides me and 4 men. all in work suits-like...electricians or plumbers.

one was south of the car checking an electric meter box thing-or so he wanted the world to believe.

another-the one they could have been trying to yell to-seemed to be checking the bank or the trash or something but then he whisked himself away to his unlikely car.

and the other two were behind a fence right in front of where i was parked. behind two trees so it was hard to see.

i was so afraid id been caught in the crosshairs of something bad.

either bad guys and i was in their way (a part of me expecting the bank to explode any second)

or good guys and they saw me throw something into the trash and i looked guilty (another part of me expected them to go through the trash and think i was placing a bomb or something).

now, i know duster makes me see things that arent there-but they also help me see what is. and i didnt black out for a second of yesterday. i can recall every second with perfect clarity. i think.

but, it doesnt matter. im done.

i know i say that and that ive said that...but, its not worth the feeling of paranoia that takes over. im not a paranoid person. and i dont like it. it was a weak moment. and i need to stop having those. or i wont make it through the rest of this "year".

i cant say what came over me. i wish i could. i thought i could handle it i guess. i had a beautiful vision of what it could be again. my guard was down with this sickness thats taken over all week. i dont know! but i do know this:

never again!

I only get sleepless nights

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