dear cameo
im clean...
for the most part...
and when i say that, i means that i havent touched a drug in almost two months....a big thing for an addict of 7 years..
i still drink, but that will change in time..
my ex/perhaps current? best friend just left the state to detox with her brother in new mexico...now shes back...
she hurt me tonight..and angered me. shes being stupid. so stupid...
i had so much to say to her tonight...but, to the face of confrontation i said...tomorrow. but i still have in my body what i wanted to say...so here goes and ill email most of it to her....
cam...
you left home to change. for the better? you came home because you were ready...to be different?
i love you. i trust you. i need you in some ways. and i want you-i want to need you, a best friend. a close friend if not best. thats ok.
you showed me a very old cameo tonight. yes..i know when you get down on yourself or other people bring this up you say things like:
im selfish
i dont care about anyone but myself
in cameo-i do what i want
but its only that way because you let it be. i know you care about the people around you and i also know you are capable of showing it. life requires sacrifices. sacrifices are necessary to having a complete and strong and self aware life.
maybe you arent ready to be self aware. or you do not have the right tools. i know you say you dont WANT to be doing "drugs" right now..but obviously the other night you gave in to old demons. with jersey. very easily. wtf.
this is still a process. just because you were gone a few weeks does not make you a fixed person. please realize that you are still and always will be an addict and will now and in the future have to fight certain desires.
you hurt me when you get self centered. tonight was supposed to be us..and maybe your band. but you decided to sell me out for jersey and two dollar hamburger helper. and from that alone i can see that you are not being honest. with me or yourself. be honest with yourself. if you feel something between you and john, admit it and deal with it. dont keep blocking yourself from the truth. dont be a baby.
but it hurt me that i was so low on the list of what was important.
yes, it was just karaoke. but tonight was our first time hanging out in months and has been the plan for a couple days and we wasted the gas going to davie..but as soon as you got a better offer, what i wanted was completely wiped off of your important list. why should i keep you on my important list???
i love you-pure and simple and that is why. but it doesnt seem to be vice versa. like with glen, i have to say...after i have been hurt so many times by someone i hold up on a type of pedestal i have to stop. let go. not in spite or anger. but to take care of myself. born alone die alone. why should i keep laying myself out to get run over....crushed. i had higher hopes for this evening..if anything some more patience from you. but it was all about what you wanted to do-drop off your friends somewhere and do what you wanted.
i wont take the self depricating excuse of: im cameo. i only care about myself. no more. its not okay.
why should i bother to lay my freedom on the line for you? best buy? seriously? i cant do it.
the only reason ive written this is because i care. i care about myself and you and our friendship. not trying to be mean-just honest...and im pretty sure none of this has been as mean as i felt during the car ride home from tijuana taxi...so....