drugzilla or drunkzilla?
this is all new to me.
there have been a couple days now when ive been craving coke. i dont know when thatll ever stop, really. but it doesnt matter.
im straight and narrow now.
mostly.
i get my kicks from drinking til i blackout now.
well, the blackouts are rarer than before-but i need to drink.
not need. just...need. ?
what is this? that i cant handle the thought of being forever sober?? why?
it just seems too depressing. i guess i just have so little to look forward to anymore. and to be drunk is to access another world. another me. i like that me.
since no more smoking i feel awake. alive. i notice the sun, the skies, the wind. but when i drink i feel alive in a whole other way.
i dont want to stop anything. but i have. its been over 30 days since my last drug (alcohol is a drug, yes, yes).
but its not healthy to want so bad. and i dont feel as unhealthy as i did before. as i had for this whole year and the year before this and the years before that.
meh