santa fe is my shower
on january second i said that change was upon me. i was right. but...i guess...anyone could say that at any time and something will change eventually. so, scratch that.
change is upon me. its taken me four months of unemployment, reckless abandonment, and mind strengthening and weakening-but its here. almost.
i am joining job corps. if i dont my mom will have me arrested or i might do myself in for a number of things. could be public intoxication (if i stop somewhere on a sidewalk to do a can of duster) or shoplifting (if big lots realizes they havent sold a single can of duster in 2 months yet it keeps disappearing and i show up every day-sometimes twice-and buy nothing). ive been lucky, but i dont want to be stupid.
so, ill quit while im not as far behind. i have to. im so scared. i dont want to. theres a difference. i never want to stop something. its always just force stopped on me. but i love it.
ill never be cured of this. this diary will always have new entries (as long as i have computer access, that is). whether they are entries about me doing drugs or just wanting them or coming to terms with them...this will always be with me. idk.
i havent done duster now since...saturday or monday im not sure. i upped my dose to 3 cans a day most days. i wish i lived alone. then i could be alone with my misery and tripping and everything. id do ten cans a day. or more. but thats bad. i know. im not going to do it here. i might tell reid about it..but i dont want him to see me on it. i dont want anyone to. its mine. my depression. my flaw. my secret.
ill be clean for maybe 3 weeks if thats how long this trip lasts. well, im still smoking and drinking and ill prolly trip soon too. ok...so, maybe clean isnt the right word. just no duster.