am i this fucking broken???
oh. god.
what am i about to embark upon?
oh. my. god.
tonight, i was at aby and i connected with a girl. cam an i thought we connected with a girl who had a colored keychain that was further in recovery than us (3 days).
i let her take me aside.
i let her talk me into her job.
i have no job.
im scared.
she said her job was easy.
no one hurts her.
shes saving massive money.
all she has to do is have sex.
i asked how often she gets beaten up.
she said never.
i asked her how often her "pimp" beat her up.
she said never.
i asked how often she was forced to do what shed never done...she said never.
but, sassy seems to enjoy the profit.
i could enjoy the profit too.
i think i will.
cameo says i wont.
but, ha. shes never read me. shes seen me most in the last few days. through na and aa and helping her cope. shes seen me laugh but she doesnt see the glossy, teared eyes behind that. she doesnt see the reality in what i need to do.
i can just have sex. sassy says its just sex, when you do have sex. just sex.
monstrathart will tell you the sex ive had. its been over 25 people since i was 16. whats a few more? what if i fall in love escorting someone to an event?
every where i go i think of those whatifs. so, to let some dreams come true-a nice dinner, a ride home-it hurts me naught...if im drunk.
sassy will contact me tomorrow. and if she doesnt i will her the next day.
im a banshee in bed when im drunk...
i dont care!!! i dont. i need to survive right now. i should never have told cameo what i discussed with a sexy stranger tonight.