tie me up; dont tie me down
ive got this bruise on my arm. a kid stuck the needle in the wrong place. twice.
and now-a week and a day now-i have this elliptical purple/green bruise on my forearm.
it wont go away. and so, every day since that day im reminded of what i did.
every day it seems to grow darker. more there. its driving me nuts. i feel like everyone can see it and knows where its from. i wouldnt if i saw it on anyone-but they all know.
ive had a story planned. i was drunk and bumped into a stair railing. or i miscalculated and bumped into the corner of a table. but no ones asked. they all know.
last night we went to an aa meeting. tonight was na. the leader needed a pen and i handed one to her with my bruised, vulnerable, naked arm. i know she saw. i dont know if she saw it. but i know she did. and she would know what it is. and how i got it. and thats why i was there. it was a disgusting feeling.
i do like it though. same as how i like-love-my scars from cutting. the raw scars. then the fading ones. i just wish this bruise were invisible to all but me. its a bit comforting. a battle scar and im still here. a testament to life. my life. i just wish no one else could see.
so...these meetings. i went for cam. and out of curiousity. but these people reach out to you. its amazing really how strong they all proved to be in their darkest hours. but its not for me. not right now.
im manageable. everything im doing is. so? i like to escape. who doesnt? why do people play video games, go to movies, nap? an escape. we are all addicted to a vice someway somehow. drugs just happen to be mine. but, im okay. im really not ready for a commitment like aa or na. im not done with this. itd be like early retirement. itd be like me retiring from a teaching career at 22. and i havent even started.
i havent smoked weed since sunday. i know its barely wednesday, but with opportunities to and me passing them up at every turn its an accomplishment. i dont need drugs-theyre just fun and around. convenient. and right now they arent so convenient: im jobless and broke and my current bff is truly trying/truly needs to get pill sober. so, why not? i havent done a pill since...
well friday at one of cameos shows i took some bar i think and this kid gave me a drop of liquid something. oxy or something.
so five days. i dont even kno if thats good or not. i didnt have to try seeing as i only got blues through cam and all i have is a piece of a bar and i dont take those willy-nilly.
enough of the ramble. just, this is where i am today. lets check back in a week.