i just want to cry im so sick of thinking and hurting and wanting and caring
i wish i knew what was wrong with me.
no, i wish i didnt.
i wish i didnt. didnt. didnt. didnt.
I HATE THE FUCKING DRUGS! I WANT THEM OUT OF MY LIFE. AND MORE THAN THAT I WANT TO NOT CARE THAT THEYRE OUT OF MY LIFE.
why is this so hard for me to do? because i am an addict. you name it, ill grow an addiction for it.
i used to not be able to stand even the smell of beer let alone a whole bottle or shot of something.
this was just 2 years ago. maybe less.
now, i can drink as much as or more than my male counterparts. yesterday i had a bottle of white zin in less than an hour. by myself. then had 2 long islands. then another bottle of wine. this time merlot and i drank half of that before i gave it away. then a couple hard lemonades. oh, and a gin and tonic.
see. goddammit! theres should be no pride in naming all the drinks i had yesterday. it should be pure disgust. but im proud of myself. as i would be if i had a child and theyd won 5 different spelling bees in one day. idk. but i feel an air of pride that isnt supposed to be there.
how can i ever stop? i need to move away. i wonder if jordan will have me. not have me like that. just, have me there. he drinks a little. but nothing like what i am used to. maybe i could drink tiny cups of wine with him and roll my own cigarettes on a porch somewhere in the middle of dusty texas.
i would really like that. then i wouldnt be able to call people and have them deliver me oxys, roxys, bars...sigh. i want to get away. a lot from alex. ill do whatever she does. in hopes we can be friends again. and right now, shes throwing herself down a flaming hole of nothingness (except flames). i cant be there with her although id like to. i have family and real bills and responsibilities. but, whenever i see her i feel like i can be as free as she. but i cant. and maybe shes not so free.