sick and tired of being sick and tired
Saturday, May. 12, 2007 + 7:56 a.m.

this smoke. this fog. this haze. im not sure what its doing, but i think its affecting me.

im sick of the train of thought my brain seems to be riding: i need to be fucked up; i need something in my body to make me not sober anymore. ive become so used to trying to escape sobriety that every waking thought in me is all about planning for the next time i can do something. drink, smoke, snort, eat. its sick. i cant remember the last time i had truly sober fun. its sick.

i tried to escape sobriety. now, id like to escape unsobriety. im tired-so tired-of waking up fucked up. waking up drunk. not being able to wake up because im too drunk. waking up baked from smoking too much the night before. waking up drained from too much yay-tho ive slept i havent really. i dont need it. i would really like to try something different. im bored of being fucked up. boredom motivates almost everything i do. i cut my hair. about 6 inches of it. all the 6 inches ive managed to grow in the year since my last bored cut.

i dont know. im sick of life being about drugs-or about getting to some other level. im ALWAYS on some other level. i cant remember the level im trying NOT to be on, you kno?

i have been taking steps-not just complaining and then doing what i hate. i try. i am smoking less. i dont want to. i dont like feeling stoned and so-incompetent. incapacitated. its a horrible feeling and thats what happens every time i smoke too much. then i get hungry. then i get fat. thats one. two, tonight i am going to hang out with giselle. its been a long time and i dont think she knows what life not sober is like. not even a minute of it. and i dont think she cares. obviously, or else shed be a junkie. so, i am going to rediscover the joys of hanging out without a bowl, joint, line, shot, blunt, pill, bottle.

i know theyre there-the joys. ill find them and lavish myself in them. im excited to be sober for once. hallelujah...there may be some hope for me yet.

I only get sleepless nights

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