hellbent
i think i see myself in a wierd slow-mo. spinning out of control. im spinning really fast, but my brain cant comprehend that speed so i slow it down so i can pinpoint every second where i fuck up.
this sucks.
i need to articulate better.
im really becoming dependent on things. and not any individual thing. well, kinda. but im willing to substitute anything for anything. im not picky.
i complain a lot that im bored. that nothing in my life is fun. to be brutally honest im just complaining about not being able to do as much drugs as id like. its disgusting. i really truly disgust myself. i dont know how many sober days one should have, but im working overhard to keep mine to a minimum. and i dont know why!
tuesday: coke, smoke
wednesday: coke, smoke
friday: hmmmm...?
saturday: hiiigh
sunday: coke and weed and xanax
monday: slept from the bar
tuesday: got hiiigh
wednesday: coke, smoke, drank, xanax, bought oxys
for some reason, im making a PLAN to fuck up my life. i WANT to learn to become an alcoholic. i want to know that escape is always there for me. i want there to always be an escape.
and when im out of escapes, im pathetic. so fucking pathetic. scouring my floor for weed-under my bed, in corners. cutting open straws for freeze. no one knows this. how desperate my need to be inebriated. intoxicated. affected. is.
i took some moments last night to be aware of myself. its sick.
on my way home on the bus, i called leah...with coke in the back of my mind. she didnt work last night so she said she might call me later. then i texted her asking her to keep me updated if they get coke and id put in. the next half an hour was the longest and most stressed ever. not ever. but, it took a toll. my hands went clammy. my stomach was in knots. she didnt text back. not an ok. not a sure. nothing. and i was thinking, do i proceed to ask again? what if she didnt get the text? but after 30 minutes the call came. and a weight immediately dissolved from my shoulders.
then, it took forever to get it. and the whole time my body was in super-crazy-anxious-mode. until i got some. and i was calm. it was kinda like it made me sober? i was okay. like id been holding my breath and now i could breathe. its always hard for me to take the time to think about how i actually feel on it. or to realize what it actually does for me. i get too caught up in the moment of doing it.
it. it. it. it. it. i hate it. i hate it with a passion and i love it like theres no tomorrow. there isnt a tomorrow for me. every day is today. and thats it. theres nothing else.
i think i may need to be institutionalized one day.
drinking and smoking tonight....wings n curls!!!