cocaine blues
stuff i wrote the last night before the hiatus. i was up for at least 3 days and spent at least $200. and i was just so tired. i dont want to forget that.
why do you do coke?
i dont know.
does it make you feel good?
no.
does it make you happy?
no.
then why do you do it?
i just do.
it hurts
hurts to the core
somebody shoot me
but first give me more
it hypnotizes
mesmerizes
devirginizes
tantilizes
energizes
terrorizes
slenderizes
immobilizes
euthanizes
the soul never
rises
shannon wrote (cuz i like it):
i want to penetrate your eye with a barb
disrobe you of your garb and break your flesh in two
squeeze your heart while i bend your knees back with a bat
cause you the pain that i feel right now
farewell bastard cock-sucker
see you in a month
but, on the bright side, i weighed myself last night and am satisfied. i moved back to florida a year ago coming in at a whopping 169. and now im down to 147. why do i mention this in here? because its coke. thats why. and it sucks. because as much as i dont want to do it slash depend on it so much. look what its done for me! i feel so good and great. and i want miguel to love me. and i know i could work out-but after seeing results as a result of doing something fun...why not? right?
but then. if i think about what ive gone thru slash put myself thru over the last year...and if i think about doing that to myself again-its completely not worth it.
but then. when i think about doing it, i always think the best of it. think that i can handle it just fine. think only about the good things. like. i dont remember the desperation when its gone and the crazy plans and plots to get more. i dont remember how drained i am afterwards and how much i have to force myself to continue life after not having slept for days. i dont remember every little thing associated with doing coke. i think about the delicious cigarettes. i think about losing the weight. thats my favorite. thats what keeps me wanting it. especially after any time of not doing it. i just think about how much ive eaten and how ive done nothing to rid my body of the amassed calories. and i tell myself i need it-to make up for meals past. especially when i substitute smoking for coke when i shouldnt/cant get yay. and then i get the munchies. and how can you deny yourself food when you have the munchies? you CANT!
oh, what am i going to do? when am i going to be strong enough to resist? i am planning with a $150 bonus i get for referring leah to the job to make happy happen. because the biggest problem i have with it is the impulsive money spending. im not rich. im actually very poor and in debt. im done thinking about it for now and im just waiting for that check.