just shoot me
Tuesday, Nov. 28, 2006 + 10:03 a.m.

I WANT IT TO STOP I DONT LIKE THIS GAME ANYMORE. ITS NOT A GAME TO ME. TO OTHERS MAYBE NOT TO ME. LEAVE ME ALONE. MAKE ME SAY NO. I DONT WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE. IM NOT DEPENDENT. I CAN SAY NO.

doomsaysbah: Well its always best when you basically have the same nights as me off because I see Lenny(drugdealer) every time before going to Karlos' on my day off.
doomsaysbah: Im getting another ball this Wednesday night.
doomsaysbah: But, its all up to you.
doomsaysbah: Just let me know, im going to smoke for a bit.

WHAT DO I SAY? WHAT?!!!! SHIT MAN! LAST WEEK HE GOT BALLS AND WASNT ALL THAT EAGER TO SHARE WITH ME AND I STAYED AWAY. I FOUGHT EVERYTHING IN MYSELF TO STAY AWAY. SO HE COULDNT MAKE ME FEEL SHITTY. SO I COULDNT MAKE ME FEEL SHITTY. BUT, ALL THE WHILE, I WANTED IT! I WANTED IT SOOO BAD! AND THERE WERE ALL THE OTHER LITTLE FIENDS. PRANCING AROUND HIM WITH THEIR BIG EYES AND BROWN-NOSING. I DONT WANT TO BE AROUND THEM. WHY DOES HE!

but if i say no to this, then i miss out on free coke. why would one do that? i mean, its not like kris is gonna come up to me and say here jordan, heres 20 bucks. but he will let me put it in my nose to hang out with him. its hard. this is hard. i dont want to do it. im getting sick. i dont want to do it.

ha! its funny because right as he gave me this insight regarding tomorrow night i was reading and relating to this:

Substance dependence refers to:

use that leads to tolerance and/or withdrawal (see section 2.3.2)

use of large amounts over a long period of time
unsuccessful efforts to control the use
a great deal of time spent on drug-use related activities

reduction of important social, recreational and occupational activities

continued use despite serious physical or psychological problems (Health Canada, 2002).

i hate this. i hate myself. i hate the fights. i hate so much. i hate coke. i hate kris. i hate gaining the weight. i hate. i hate. i hate.

ill write back on thursday.

I only get sleepless nights

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