i can never accomplish anything
im the sickest, grossest, most pathetic person i know. even when i think cameo is a terrible ogre-all i have to do is look in a mirror. or just have yay nearby.
i bought some. i spent fucking money on fucking drugs! i havent put any money towards a high in almost a month and i wasnt planning to either. but i did. we got 60 for 40 which means i only had to put out 20. but it wasnt even that good!!!! and i got quiet skeeted. miserable skeeted. hating myself skeeted. and i wanted more at the same time. oh, it was terrible. and i dont realize it-prolly cuz im so one-tracked when it comes to this shit-but i make miguel "miserable". he told me last night. he hates that coke can upset me so much when im around him. but he doesnt understand the addiction. he says he does. but no matter how much i love him (and i do) it cant compare.
i just hate myself. i dont even really like it anymore. im over it for the most part. when i have money ill buy my own. for now i have to suffer watching other people indulge and suffer accepting whatever theyre willing to give me.
its not so great. why do i love it so? because im gaining weight without it. thats the plain and simple truth, i think. i can see the weight slowly coming. and every time i eat anything im mad at myself because i know there wont be any coke to get rid of it. and maybe if i were single itd be easier because id have no one to impress. but, when migs and i started going out my stomach was waaaaaaaaaay flatter. its changing already. and i dont want him to not want me! i dont want to not want me. i need more. to keep myself happy. because when i feel fat im terrible all around.
god! could i complain and bitch any more?
yes, yes i could.
but i wont. ill think about my boyfriend and how much he loves me (for some fucking reason they all do!). thatll get me through this pity party.