it never ends
dont. dont give me drugs anymore. i cant handle it. im not strong enough.
free drugs are the worst kind. i feel shitty for not paying and i feel shitty for not being able to have as much as i want.
every time that white bitch comes into my life i die a little. every time. i get lower and lower. i get worse. i get dead inside!
every little piece of white matters. i wont drop any and if i do ill find it and obliterate it.
i think im okay. but im not. im okay as long as its not around me. dont give me more! i wont say no. this has to be all you. whoever you are.
thank the lord for miguel. if i didnt have him to think about and pine for itd be all for the white devil. and i hate that. hes a much more positive focus in my life.
i hate! to say it, but if it werent for alex (and im not scapegoating, it takes two to tango-i know that) i wouldnt be going through this. i love her to death. i love that she shares with me. i love that her appetite for disaster can match mine. shes the only one. our minds work so similarly. its great to have that. but its horrible because while i dont have the money right now to blow on blow-she does. and while we both know it needs to slow down-these cravings, urges and impulse splurges need to slow down-when theres a will theres a way. we both enable each other. if she has the money, i make the phone calls and set it all up and she shares. and vice versa. we are so dedicated to each other and this drug. its sick. and scary.
im glad for miguel and glen. glen takes up her time and migs takes up mine. without them wed be constantly scheming ways to get more every chance possible and borrowing money from more and more people (like we did before the boys came in to the picture).
its so hard. this whole thing is so difficult. why do i have to love what i cant have? whats so bad for me? how does not every person on earth succumb to their addictions? i hate these fucking questions i have no goddamned answer to! it makes everything that much harder. i cant figure it all out myself. no f-in way. i cant do this.
* * *
alright...so i just took a 30 minute 15 minute break. all in the name of the devil. damn me. damn me to hell.
i think im already there.