the loves of my life
since about march 2003 ive been tripping with coricidin. never have i tripped off of anything else.
(well, i speak of pharmaceutical stuff like robitussin or dramamine. not shrooms, cid, or 2ci.)
but sunday night i allowed myself to try something different. for the sake of miguel. i shouldnt have done it. nothing is like my tcs.
i took 16 waltussins, the equivalent to 8 tcs, and i took 8 tcs. so 16 tcs.
the trip was weird. it was kinda like a mild tc trip, but not as good. it was in my whole body, but not in any warm, fuzzy way im accustomed to. i guess im glad i tried it, but itll never take the place of my coricidin.
it expands my mind. it takes me to the ends of the earth and time all while i sit wherever i am. but i see all and know all.
it takes my body into the most serene and calm place. i feel good all over and nothing hurts. i fell off a bike and cut my leg and didnt notice blood all over my skirt until morning.
the manipulation of everything real is amazing. i can do whatever i want. electric, neon rollercoasters. walk undergound. hop from cloud to cloud. live inside my body-i think i did that on the waltussin. i was walking around inside myself. hmmm...but its nowhere near the tcs. they are my love. my life. the love of my life.
i do have to loves of my life tho. coke will never be misplaced there. it shall always be tied in with tcs. god! i hate addiction. the wanting. the hurt when i dont get it. the need to get it-any means necessary. it doesnt matter who i have to lie to. borrow from. manipulate. as long as i get what i want. nothing else does that to me. puts me in that place.
thanks to miguel i dont want that much right now. and thanks to my binges in august/september i am uber-financially screwed. so i wont be able to afford anymore until probably the new year. i just hope when the money becomes available again ill be ready to fight the want. especially after this unplanned/unwanted hiatus. but, really-having a boyfriend really helps fill the no-coke void. which is so large it hurts.
what am i going to do? what is my life going to be like. this constant love affair. when will it end? when will i end it? when will it end me? i dont even want to kno. i dont want any ends.