im such a good spy i didnt even know i was a spy
im ready to stop.
thats what i keep telling myself and anyone who'll listen-not many though...
im ready to stop, but no one in my life is ready for me to.
every time i say im going to stop or i have stopped coke, i quickly realize that i havent stopped. ive never stopped.
it hurts as i just now realize that taking a 2 week hiatus is what i consider stopping. but i always start again because i tell myself ive been good-i had a break.
it makes me pathetic.
how bad i want it.
how fast i use it.
how sad i get when its gone.
i shouldnt get sad!
it makes me a bad person with only white on the brain.
nobody ive told this to believes me. and even if they actually do, they arent willing enough to face their own problems by supporting me with mine.
usually im good. so far, since ive gotten on this roller coaster, ive been fine. in control. support for others.
the people in my life-the ones i party with-mostly shannon-dont want to deal with the fact that im tired. that i dont want to live like this anymore. we are not invincible. they dont want to face that there is a world spinning around us. nor do they want to face that we are a part of it.
when im tripping nothing else but my thoughts exist. when i am coming down i think about that trip and when im going to be back up again, on another. after some days of abstaining i realize wait-im trying to be living for something. for a future life.
ive come to terms with this growing up. i also have learned that drugs require money. where do you get money? a god job...degrees equal good jobs. college equals degree. thats where i need to be.
if anything, just to ensure that ill have money for the rest of my life for drugs. and a home. and vacations.
i feel like i have to trick myself-promising myself endless amounts of future drugs...after i go to college and make real money. not just winn-dixie money.
if i have to trick myself in order to create some structure, order, and discipline in my life then so fucking be it.
im so afraid of whats happening to me.
i say no more drugs.
at least tuesday to friday.
wednesday matt brings it to me at work.
thursday, i get matt to sell leah a ball-she shared with us and we bought our own.
friday kris bought some for a hotel party and that lasted me through the weekend...
i think. i dont remember. coke does that to me.
that was a couple weeks ago.
less than a week ago, kris wanted everyone to hang out-mostly me and shannon-so, he bought a ball for us. what do i say to that? how do i say no to almost $40 of free drugs? i dont.
and that scares the shit out of me. i need help. and i need people to see that i am serious. but i suppose to prove that im serious im going to have to make real sacrifices. like saying no to coke in front of my face. not just saying no to putting down $60 but then doing someone elses later. its sick. this is so sick.
but i want to lose weight. how else? there is no way!
i laugh when i say that because i know that there are ways and that coke should not be considered among any of them.
im lost and i do need help. but i dont think im screaming loud enough. i dont think im ready to scream that loud yet...and that scares me. oy...