wah wah wah
i suck. and im stupid.
got coke last night. ive been awake like 25 hours now. im not quite sure what to do with myself now.
i wanted more. when i was coming down this morning. i wanted more coke. or some pills. some fucking thing. got nothing.
i think im gonna go to coyote in a few. they open in half an hour.
stupid coke. its great. i love it. i want to marry it.
shucks. what am i going to do with myself?
i hope i get it again soon. i hope i dont get any more for a while.
its very hard being in my brain sometimes. i have no idea what i want or what im doing. its really hard. but i already said that.
i need someone to hold my hand and tell me what to do. like, every second im awake. otherwise i feel like im struggling to keep my head above water. maybe i need someone to hold my head underwater. who knows. not me.
i wish i could exist without substances. dependency. i cant. theres a void thats far too big for me to live with sober.
man...25 more minutes till the bar opens. what am i going to do? im not hungry. im thirsty. parched. to be unsober. still 25 minutes.
everything is so stupid. thats all i can think to think. maybe its not everything. maybe its just me. that sucks.