why try explain?
why cant i have all the coke in the world? to myself?
i think that anyone who ever read this and then met me would have such a skewed perspective of who i am. but this diary is for that part of me. that i cant be normally, in everything that i do. but i need an outlet for the thoughts and feelings that wanting the drugs provokes. i need it or ill explode. and it wouldnt be pretty.
not even close.
i have no one to tell. to tell how fucking much i always want coke. when i tried to tell my boyfriend he took it as an insult. and im not trying to hurt him, i just wanted to explain it to him. confide in him. lean on him. instead to him, cokes more important to me than us. which isnt true. but i cant help that its always gnawing somewhere in me. the want. the wait. theres not a soul i could honestly explain to who wouldnt look down on me. i mean theres alex, but she wants as much and sometimes more than me. so, we enable each other. its not good. i dont talk about it only to get more. i talk about it to get it out of my head.
the more i keep it inside...well, the thoughts have nowhere to go but run around my brain in circles. burning into my brain. creating a track-with no beginning or end. circles. if i say it aloud then my words roam free. never to return to me. they escape my head. and this writing isnt enough. but its a start. especially since theres no one to explain to. no one whod understand me. and i wouldnt want anyone to understand. that would mean theyve gone through or are going through this-and i wouldnt wish this on anyone.
we got it the other night-leah brought the end of a 20 over. she came around 2. by 3 we wanted more. went to a to x. waited at least an hour. alex ran away with the dealer. but eventually we found her and it and were up until 8-saw the sunrise. and i wanted more. and i hated it. i didnt dare to say it out loud. because i didnt want miguel to know i wanted more. but i did. and all i could do about it was force sleep.
im not going anywhere here.