im playing tug of war with my brain!
friday: split a ball with alex, took a bar, drank and smoked myself into oblivion
saturday: slept the bar off, drank and smoked to get back to oblivion
sunday: tcs in aventura, smoked and drank just to stay high, rolled semi-balls on sl's
monday: another 2 grams with alex. just to end the weekend right.
last weekend i did every drug thats in my current drug vocabulary. why? why not?
it has to stop. my brother doesnt like me-his friend timmys parents wont let them be friends cuz matts sister "does drug". my bills are so backed up. i would like to go to orlando for horror nights and for my future and i cant do that with only $26 in my bank account. especially since thats my living money.
i just want to scream! so fucking loud! but i cant. im at work. ill scream later.
rose died. johns ex. oxycontin od. was it suicide? or too much partying for one night? i dont know. she shot herself in the head back in march. that was a suicide attempt for sure. i hope she got what she wanted.
it scares me. we arent invincible. but drugs are so good. i am lonely in my life right now, but not when i have drugs. when i have drugs everything in my life is wonderful. its all in place. but when i get sober, everything is too real. too bright. too annoying. too not what i want.
what i want..what do i want? i dont want anything! i want everything. i want fun. freedom. no responsibilities. i want to live for myself and live doing whatever i want. i really dont care if i go to college. i want to feel good. i want to do drugs. i want to reach an incredible high. my body is a temple-a drug temple. a temple for drugs. i want to be myself and be as immature and sexually free as i can. why cant i do that? whos life do i have to go freaky friday with to live that way?
ill do it.
i want to party til i die. and i hate myself for that. but why shouldnt i? its only me. im the only one who exists. every living thing dies alone.